Holding Unfolding, episode 6: NYC facilitation story (transcript)

Cover illustration by http://www.instagram.com/pharaohartwork/
Music by http://www.bandlab.com/notdummroll

Hi, welcome to Holding Unfolding, a podcast about facilitation.

I’m Abby Oulton and I use she/her pronouns and I’m located on occupied, unceded Lenape lands, in East Harlem, New York City. And I haven’t put out an interview for a while because I was really attached to this, like, method of reaching out to the facilitator team at an ALC and interviewing each team member and processing those and then releasing each team’s collection of interviews, like, as a cluster of episodes.

And realistically, that doesn’t work with people’s schedules. And it worked when I was able to do a bunch of interviews while people were on holiday breaks and then process and release them week by week after. But as soon as folks weren’t on breaks anymore, yeah, it just — it just didn’t work to do things that way. So I’m going to not do that anymore. I’m going to — and it will get easier as we move into the summer — I’m going to reach out to folks and interview them as they’re available. And process them as I’m able. And let it be enough.

The never ending facilitator practice.

And I tried several times to record this interim episode, I guess two weeks ago now, because I do have an interview that I’m processing for a podcast episode, but I’m also in the middle of trying to wrap up our current school year and put together summer fundraisers and programing and put together our safety plans and protocols for reopening in September and transcribing-subtitling-editing the recordings of nine — no, there were two in each… Well, recordings

of all the sessions from the Self-directed Education Weekend virtual conference held by the Alliance for Self-Directed Education last month.

So. You don’t get a new facilitator interview from me quite yet, although I will say that the interview that I’m working on is with Jean Finlay from the Philly ALC, and she’s great. And I have a lot of appreciation and affection for that project and the people in it. So I’m really excited to get to share that with you soon.

But I don’t have it today, and my attempts to record an episode of reflections on that Self-Directed Ed. Weekend conference were all interrupted by sirens and helicopters and things. So I released doing that. And I was kind of waiting to see what feels like the next right thing, which is a practice I have often of waiting to see what feels like the next right thing. And I have a facilitator story for you. Like, a facilitation of a day story from New York City to share.

So like I mentioned, I’ve been in paperwork land and pretty much tethered to my laptop from when I wake up to when I go to sleep, except when I make myself go take walks. And some seasons are just like that and it’s fine. And my co-facilitators are running our online classes and our outdoor in-person sessions right now. And they’re super excited and the kids are super excited. And it lets me focus on the administration stuff. So it works.

But I miss working — direct facilitation work. I was going to say “with young people,” but I also had some calls this week where, when I reflected on them, I realized it isn’t actually the facilitation with young people specifically that I miss.

I love that. And it’s actually more the work of accompanying people through their

reflection and growth processes that I enjoy.

Um, so. I’ve been spending one or two 1/2 days a week on Zoom with sometimes just one, sometimes up to three.

What’s the word?

Precocious, isn’t it?

Hmm. Well, these young people from school who don’t want to go to offerings. They want to have a video chat where we have our cameras off and our creative avatars up. Usually I’m, like, a raccoon in a tree and they’ve got various illustrations. And they just screen share, like, Scratch projects or music production projects. Or we talk about machine learning and surveillance and sometimes we get into history. We were talking about evolutionary biology a few weeks ago and some conspiracy theories about aliens. Like, it’s a whole whole experience, just holding that space to be in relationship with young people exploring. You know? And that group, particularly…

It’s mostly one kid, sometimes it’s the other kids, but they’re all interested in the nonfiction that I’m reading, distinct from the fiction that a lot of the school book clubs and other reading groups are working on.

So that’s super fun. And related, I should shout out that we recently were talking about The Disordered Cosmos by Chanda PrescodChanda Prescod-Weinstein. And it’s amazing. And if you’re interested in physics and or, like, queer Black Jewish feminist history as it impacts, like, STEM fields and our understandings of what science is and who is a scientist and all that kind of stuff, it’s super interesting. So we were talking about that book and enjoyed it, and maybe you would, too.

So it’s a lot of computer time that I’m doing. A lot, a lot, and not a whole lot of interacting with young people, except when I get those, like, three hour blocks of of being on video calls and — which I then have to, like, do admin work late at night or on the weekends to make up for it. But it’s totally worth it.

This Thursday, my co-facilitators canceled their outdoor adventure groups, because there were thunderstorms in the forecast and that’s the responsible thing to do.

And I logged on to Zoom for our morning meeting to chat with the kids, see what everyone’s plans were for the day. Logged off and got a text message from a young teenager who has been kind of struggling with the pandemic isolation and just the uncertainty and… and the stress. So he texted and asked if before it started thunder storming, while it was just raining, if I would be up for taking him to the Highline. And so if you’re not familiar with New York, the Highline is an old elevated train line that’s been turned into kind of a public park and garden.

And it’s in the West Village. So, like, the southwest part of Manhattan and I’m in the northeast and he’s up in the Bronx.

And so he texted right after meeting and I said yes. Because, of course. And so we texted back and forth a little bit, you know, like, “Well, how soon can you be ready?” “What time which subway station do you want to meet at?” And, thinking I was going to make it easy for him, I asked which of the two subway stations that he is used to going to for school would be easier for him to meet up at. And offered to meet him at one of those and then go together from there to the Highline.

And so we said 110th St. at 11. And so I went and I waited. And one train passed and he wasn’t on it. And another train passed and he wasn’t on it.

And I waited.

And then I texted him and was like, Hey, are you coming? And he texted back that he was at 72nd st. on the E train. Which, again, if you’re not familiar with New York, probably doesn’t mean a lot, but is the wrong subway line for him to have been on based on where he lives and where we were trying to meet up. And it’s the opposite side of of Manhattan. Not longways, not north-south, but east-west the wrong side.

And I was like, oh, OK.

Were you trying to go straight to the Highland and meet me there instead of meeting on the way and traveling together? And he was like, I don’t know, I’m on the E train. My phone says, maybe I should take — says I should switch and get on the 7, go take this other train.

And I told him not to switch trains. I told him to stay on the train he was on until 23rd st., until this other stop that his train went to. And that was near where we were trying to go. And he said, OK. And so I got on a train, made my way down…Caught a couple express trains, you know, because I’m racing, right? I think he’s going to beat me there and I don’t want him waiting around by himself.

So, you know, I get all the way downtown to 23rd st. and

so I’m at the second subway stop waiting. And I texted him that I’m there and he says, OK. And then I text and check that he’s all right. And he says, yes.

And then I have a moment of being very grateful for cell phones and ask where he’s at. And he tells me he doesn’t know, but he’s not on the subway anymore and he’s lost.

And so I call him and have him describe his surroundings and talk him through, like, finding street signs to read to me and stuff. And he goes, oh, I’m at 54th st. and Broadway, which is back uptown. Theoretically. And a plausible stop considering the subway line he was on. And I was like, OK, well, that’s not what we planned, but do you want to find your way back to the subway and try again to come meet me?

Or do you want me to come up to where you are and you just, you stay still?

And he said he would stay put and I should come meet him. So I say, OK. I look it up on my Google Maps, tell him it’ll be, you know, about 10 minutes, and I get back on the train. So I go uptown. I get off the subway in midtown. I walk to the intersection he had texted me he was at and look around and there’s — there’s no teenager.

And at this point, this was the point where I realized we probably weren’t actually going to get to the Highline. And I didn’t know where we were going to go, if we were going to get anywhere.

I thought about how, when I’ve been traveling with with young people who are practicing being independent travelers, I usually make sure they’ve got cab money so that they’re never stuck, you know, in a situation like this, because that’s the thing I worry about.

But it was fine. His phone seemed charged.

He told me he was frustrated but not panicked.

And I was not attached to getting to the Highline together. You know, our goal had been to have an adventure, and we were having an adventure. Not the way we’d planned, but isn’t that the point?

So. I called him from midtown and was like, I’m at 54th and Broadway, which is where I thought you were, and that’s where my text from you says you were. But I don’t see you.

And he he was like, I don’t know where I am. I think I’m under a bridge. And I hear all this traffic in the background.

And I’m — I had a moment. Um, part of me knew logically he wasn’t near any of the highways to New Jersey. But I had a moment of being like, oh, man.

Um. Also, like, I said, don’t move, and he said he wouldn’t move and clearly he moved. But I took a breath. And I was like, right, well, where are you?

Like, you texted me that you were at this intersection and now I’m here and you’re not and we don’t know where you are. Like, it was only ten minutes ago. So, like, you can’t have wandered that far. Which — which direction did you go? And he opened the map on his phone and texted me a screenshot. And I looked at it and realized that he was not in Manhattan. He was in Queens.

He had somehow ended up in a different — in a completely different part of the city. In a different borough.

And…

I didn’t want to worry him, but he was far. And I was like, OK, well, you are not near the Highline, where we were going, and you’re not near where I am now. But you are near one of my favorite museums. So that’s cool. Um, do you you want to take the train you got off of and get back on it in the direction that comes towards Manhattan and meet me, like, over here?

Or do you want me to come to you? Or do you want to give up and call a cab and I’ll pay for it when you get here? And he thought about it and decided he wanted to try again. He wanted to try to get to me in Manhattan. So I sent him information about how to get from where he was to a subway station in the southeast corner of Central Park, which would have taken him 20 minutes on the subway to get to and would have taken me about a 20 minute walk to get to.

So I was like, this is perfect.

Yeah. And he said, OK. I was — we talked about what signs to look for, that kind of stuff. I said, all right, I’ll see you soon.

And we hung up and I started walking. And so I walked from where I was, like, up to Central Park and across the south edge. And there were, like, you know, birds and flowers and people. And I was thinking about whether it was likely that he would get off the subway and be tired from the stress of being lost and just want to stay in the park. Or whether he would want to go downtown, or whether we would need — whether we would do something else.

And at this point, too, I was like, all right, clearly we need to have a conversation where we break down where things went wrong, and we figure out how to do things differently next time so that he doesn’t get so lost. Because in this case, it was like, you know, safe and not time sensitive and totally fine. But that won’t always be the case when he’s navigating the city. And it’s, like, a crucial skill for a young person here to be able to get where they’re trying to go, when they’re trying to be there.

So I walk. Then I get to the subway, and there is, like, some robins hanging out. And so I sit near them and I texted him that I’m there and get no answer. And then I try to call him and there is no answer, so I text him again. And he texted back, OK. So I call him. OK, where are you? And he — I don’t remember what number, like, what he read off to me, but he read me the station sign and I was like, oh, you went the wrong way.

You went farther into Queens. You’re farther away from me.

And he was like, oh.

And clearly he was tired. And I was proud of him, right? Because he wasn’t panicking yet, but he clearly was done. Understandably. And I was like, well you know, I’ll ask again, do you want to try to come to me?

Do you want to get a cab? Do you want me to come to you? What do you want to do? And he thought about it and was like, I’m really tired.

I’m really tired from being lost. I want to get off the train and find a park and I’ll tell you how to get to me and you can come to me. And I was like, yeah, that’s perfect. We can do that.

That’s fine. So he did and I went and got on the train towards Queens. And — you know, because I looked at my phone at that point. Because I was like, at that point in the day, when I have had a kid who’s been worn out like that, I would rather, you know, take a cab and get to them faster. But apparently there was traffic and the subway was going to be faster, even though it was still almost 40 minutes.

So I texted him from the subway. I was like, hey, I’m on my way. Here’s my estimated time of arrival.

Let me know where you end up settling. Like,

you know, do you have a good book, do you have snacks, are you OK?

And he said he was tired but OK.

And there was — he was at the end of the R line, at the very last stop in Queens, and there was a park nearby, and a lake. And so he was going to — he could see that on the map and so was going to go find a spot by the lake. And I could come meet him there. Perfect. And I usually read on the subway, but I couldn’t.

And like, I especially can read if I’m getting off at the last stop, because then I don’t have to worry about getting engrossed and missing my stop, but I couldn’t focus. So I listened to music and played Go on a phone app the whole time. And thought on and off about what this young person’s impression of the day was and what his mom’s impression of the day was and what it would have been like for me in my first few years of facilitating.

Or with different kids… I thought about that, too,

at one point. Because there is… I’m like…

You know, like I had that irrational moment when he said he was under a bridge and I was like, oh, snap, is this kid, like, headed to New Jersey? Irrational, totally irrational. But somehow in my brain, I was like, is he really lost and going to keep moving? Like, what if his phone dies, you know?

And I thought about who I was working with and whatnot. And ultimately it was like, this is not, like… I’m not panicked.

And if he were a kid who I would have panicked about in that kind of a situation, I wouldn’t have said yes to an impromptu adventure in the first place. Right? But being able to stay, like, kind of grounded and amused and calm through all of that, and knowing how to diffuse his anxiety and guide him through processing being lost and all that kind of, like, problem solving while stressed… That kind of stuff? Like, I was very aware that I was only able to do that the way I was because of having years of practice.

And it’s funny: I got an email recently from a parent of a former student whose kid had made her very anxious and hadn’t made me very anxious. Um, because I was like, I know she’s not doing what you think she should on the timeline that you would like, but she’s very competent. And when she decides to do a thing, there’s no stopping her. So I’m not worried. And so this mom emailed recently and was like, I just wanted you to know that my child’s organized this whole trip for herself to the other side of the country to see a friend.

And she worked for all the money and she planned the whole thing. And she’s having a blast. And you were right. She’s — she’s very competent. Which is always, you know, like the kind of note as an educator that is particularly fun to get years out.

Um, so I sat on the subway for, like, ages, and I got off finally at the end of the line. And I texted this kid and I was like, I’m walking towards you. You know, let me know where in the park you are. I’ll see you soon.

And he was like, Yeah, I’ll meet you by the lake.

And so I walked towards the lake and saw him on the sidewalk,

uh,

clearly trying to not look as relieved as he felt. Right? So I — you know, I was very enthusiastic in my greeting and, you know… acting like he’d been lost in the woods for days. Do you need water or do you want a clementine? Like, all that kind of stuff. And so we hung out on the sidewalk. He ate the extra snacks that I had thrown in my bag before leaving, because you should always pack extra snacks for yourself and young travel companions on adventure days.

Um, there are certain things that I just always pack spares of, and snacks and water are some of them.

Um. And then I asked what he wanted to do, if he wanted to try to go back into Manhattan and go to the Highline after all, or if he wanted to explore the lake, since we were actually, you know… Should we go, like, see what this place is since we’re here? Do you want to give up? How do you feel? And he said he was tired but wanted to explore the lake. So we did. We headed into the park and we had this

really surreal experience of being in a part of the city that I hadn’t been in before. And I’ve been in that, in that park before, but I’d been all on the north side where, like, there’s a big science museum and there’s sculptures and paths and all this kind of stuff. But where we were, it was, like, a trail that was swamp and marsh and mud and reeds. And we were, like, jumping from, like, wooden pallets and kind-of slats, like, across the mud.

Really curious. Like, found some honeysuckle and talked about, like, the parts of honeysuckle and why it tastes sweet. And we looked at mulberries and mullein and poison ivy. And rounded a corner and found a giant snapping turtle. Like, I’ve lived in New York City for a decade and had never seen a snapping turtle here before. But this thing was massive. Like, the size of my torso. And that was surprising. And we found wild strawberries.

Talked about desire paths and about birds and tadpoles and his art projects and his feelings about, you know, family members shuffling, like furniture and rooms and apartments and all that kind of stuff. Um, we rounded a corner at one point and he was like, do you hear someone singing opera?

And I was like, yeah, I do.

Maybe someone’s decided this very abandoned feeling park is, is the place to practice their opera. And as we got closer, we had a conversation about discerning, you know, when does a situation feel uncomfortable, but it’s safe or at least manageable. Right? And when is a situation, like, uncomfortable and dangerous? And we should turn around? And how do you, how do you make those choices? And then we passed the opera singer and I told them they sounded lovely and they got embarrassed and didn’t answer.

And they’re gone when we turn back. And so we, we walked around this lake until he got tired and said he wanted to actually give up on trying to get around the whole thing and go find some food.

And so then we walked back towards the subway and found –Well, we were looking for a dumpling place, but none of them had outdoor seating. And, like, we’re not — I’m not doing restaurants yet. Because pandemic times. And so we got pizza to go from a place and sat on a stoop and ate some pizza and discussed — he was fascinated with my Sicilian slice and was like, but you can’t fold it, which…yeah, it’s true. Um.

And then, once we were rested and fed and we had reflected on how our adventure day was absurd but also successful — like, we had an adventure — we texted his mom with an update on what time he would be home and headed back to the subway. And

he picked the subway seat that was right in front of the map, which was awesome because it meant then on our ride back into the city, we were able to look at the map and piece together, like, OK, well, how did you end up,

you know, four different times trying to meet up with me somewhere and me trying to meet up with you somewhere? And here we are in the wrong borough, in a different burrow, at the end of a train that neither of us had intended to be on? So we talked through it and talked about what we could both do differently next time. And then I asked if he wanted to try picking another day and try going to the Highline again, for real this time. And we talked about the new park that’s down there, too, and kind of the politics of the city choosing to budget for that instead of for, you know, things like housing relief in a time when a lot of people are being evicted because of covid job-loss stuff.

That was super interesting.

And he said he wants to try again. He was tired but not fazed at all. And like, I asked if he was content with, like, how he had dressed for the adventure, because sometimes kids wear not great walking shoes. Right? Grownups, too. And if he was content with, like, how he had packed. All that kind of stuff… And he was like, yeah, I feel good about all of it.

I should have brought more snacks and I’ll bring snacks next time. And I would like to get less lost next time. But also I wasn’t like badly lost. I just got tired. And I was like… I appreciated that that self reflection and awareness.

Yeah, and so we made our plans and then I took him — I did take him all the way home, because I worry sometimes taking kids on, like, long full-day adventures and then sending them to get home by themselves when they’re, like, exhausted. I’m like, I’m not trying to…like, that feels out of what’s reasonable to expect them to manage on their own. But yeah, I dropped him off at his home subway stop and then turned around and came back.

And there hadn’t been thunderstorms the entire time we’d been out. It had barely rained. And I had ridiculous photos of the most giant snapping turtle that I’ve seen here ever and, like, in general in a really long time. And then I texted with his mom about, you know, our reflections on the day and being lost and all that kind of stuff, and how I was proud of the progress I was seeing in his ability to navigate and ground through stressful situations. And reframe when a situation is disappointing, so that it can be disappointing and also not, like, ruin his whole day.

And…

Yeah, and then told her our plans to do it again.

And we will. I don’t know when, but I’m sure he’ll tell me. And when I was back online and meeting the kid who manages my online

days where we go through the Scratch offerings and stuff, he made a comment about wanting to ask for time to tell me a story the next day. And said he was worried about wasting my time. And I laughed thinking about in how many conventional education contexts spending a whole day letting a kid be lost like I had done would be considered a waste of time, if not, like, straight up reckless.

And how appreciative I am that it, like, that it doesn’t — it’s… It’s clearly not a waste of time for me. Like, I see it. I see the value in that and I feel the value in that. And I know it from my own misadventures in getting lost, you know, in Philly as a kid and in the woods and other places before cell phones had GPS. Like, oh my goodness, if we had tried to have the adventure we had, like,

back before cell phones and GPS… Would have been a wild time. I don’t know how that would have gone. But yeah, I was just very amused and reflective. And told the Zoom school kid that he’s never wasting my time.

You know? He was like, well, I figured you probably have, like, taxes to do or something. And I laughed and told him that there are always emails to be answered. There’s always accounting work to be done. There’s always someone waiting for paperwork from me. And he is always more important, they’re always more important. Like, part of what I want to model to them is, like — yeah, that it’s never a waste of time to be relationship-building and supporting people

you care about and who are your community members. So that’s my facilitation story.

And then I got home really late and was tired and had — was, was energized. And had to get caught up on a bunch of the admin work that I didn’t do during the day,

but it was easy to be motivated to do it because I’d had such a meaningful and amusing day. Um, which is a theme in my facilitation practice. So… That was longer than I was expecting to go. Also, there were no sirens! Wild times. School ends next week. I will hopefully have an interview for you by then, and more facilitation stories in the future when there are gaps between interviews.